


Falling into Place

by Ravenheart



Category: Love Victor (TV 2020)
Genre: Alternate Universe, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Making Out, Practice Kissing, mention of Mia/Victor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-14
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-04 22:47:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,914
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25254067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ravenheart/pseuds/Ravenheart
Summary: And just like that, Victor had an idea.An idea that, had he stopped to think for longer than a second, would have been deemed stupid enough to never be revisited, let alone voiced. But, sitting across from Benji and his understanding eyes and soft smiles, he didn't stop to think. Not at all."You could teach me," he suggested.A confused frown, arms crossing over his chest and pulling at the fabric of his shirt. "Teach you what?""How to kiss properly. How to act if we, you know, are headed for that base," he clarified.
Relationships: Benjamin "Benji" Campbell/Victor Salazar
Comments: 29
Kudos: 268





	Falling into Place

**Author's Note:**

> fixed some words that had escaped me during editing

Victor's head was beginning to hurt from the whirlwind of thoughts bidding for his attention. He knew he was meant to be focusing on his history textbook, but it might as well have been in a foreign tongue for all that he'd managed to take from it.

They were sitting on his bed, Benji diligently highlighting away while Victor struggled to get himself under control. He couldn't help but stare at his hair falling gracefully over his eyes, the late afternoon light filtering through the open window and giving him a soft and inviting look. His locks moved slightly as Benji turned the page and Victor felt himself being pulled to him like a magnet, his fingers almost burning with the need to reach out and brush the hair away from his face. 

The impulse was uncomfortably familiar.

"What is it, Victor?" Benji looked up, highlighter in the air.

"Nothing," he said quickly, ducking his head and going back to reading. Or trying to, anyway. Study sessions with Benji could be a bit counterproductive sometimes, at least on his end.

"Are we doing that thing where I pretend not to notice there's something on your mind until you finally cave in and tell me?" There was a judging tone to his question, yet his half-smile was teasing. “Because you could just skip to the part where you tell me what’s bothering you.” They’d been friends for years now; keeping stuff from him was getting increasingly—dangerously—harder.

He licked his lips, forcing the words out and hoping he was making the right decision. "I think I'm going to ask Mia on another date."

Benji blinked a few times, mouth opening and closing before he schooled his features and finally said, "Oh. That's great, man."

"Yeah?" He asked, unsure. The first two dates had been okay, so it seemed like the next logical step.

Right?

Benji hesitated, drumming the highlighter against his thigh. "It _is_ great, right? You don't sound very sure."

Because, for some reason, he wasn't. He liked Mia, and he knew that the feeling was mutual, but there was still a voice in the back of his mind telling him that something was off. Telling him he was ignoring a pile of evidence pointing towards him being—

Being—

Into guys.

Which didn't necessarily mean he wasn't into girls! He _could_ be into girls. And guys. One or the other or both or neither? Yeah.

But the thought of being into guys? No. He didn't want that. He wanted things to be easy. Normal. Needed to at least try to make things work with a girl. Benji had dated girls at one point, too; Victor remembered how, two summers back, Benji had come back from a family trip and told him he'd had sex for the first time. Something akin to envy had settled over Victor back then, but a part of him sometimes wondered if it hadn't been closer to jealousy. They were so easily confused, and so hard to untangle when directed at his best friend.

Regardless. Even if it hadn't worked out for Benji, even if he'd come out as gay a year later, that didn't mean Victor would share his fate. He could be into girls. He just had to try.

"Victor," Benji spoke softly, capping the marker and pushing the books aside as he scooted closer. With a tentative hand on his shoulder, he said, "Easy. If you like her, you should go for it." 

He closed his eyes, Benji's hand both reassuring and distracting at once. Too much time was spent dwelling on those hands; they made his heart race with inconvenient frequency. He desperately wanted to surge forward. He desperately needed to move away. 

Licking his lips, he opened his eyes to find Benji averting his gaze and dropping his hand like Victor's thoughts could burn. 

Sometimes it felt like they did. 

"I'll ask her tomorrow," he vowed, nodding once and ignoring the tingling sensation lingering where the hand had been.

Benji offered an encouraging smile, going back to his original position on the bed and reaching for his highlighter again.

*

It was Saturday and his family wouldn't be back for hours, having decided to go out in an attempt to fix the bonds they'd been destroying so effortlessly as of late. Victor was inclined to give them points for trying, at least, but he’d still stayed behind because he’d already planned an important study session with Benji.

That had been the excuse, anyway. 

Truth be told, he had no energy left to play fixer if the outing went to hell, and he honestly needed to spend some time with Benji and tell him what had gone down with Mia. Studying was the one excuse his parents couldn't argue with, and he was giving himself permission to be selfish just this once. Some might have called that progress.

He was changing his shirt for the third time when there was a knock on the door. Victor squinted at his reflection, then figured he was being stupid and decided the teal t-shirt would have to do. It was just them, after all; no need to impress anyone.

That carefree attitude evaporated the moment he opened the door, and he had to fight the urge to go back to his room and search his closet for a cooler outfit. Benji was wearing his black leather jacket, his hair its usual artful mess and his tight blue jeans—

"I brought snacks. Figured we might be here for a while." He shook the bag a little, left hand casually tousling his hair.

How did he always manage to look so effortlessly good? "Awesome." 

He nodded for Benji to come in, detouring to the kitchen to grab a bowl and drinks before settling in his room like they always did. It was a miracle that Victor's grades hadn't suffered despite him being more intent on studying the shade of Benji's eyes than any kind of independence or revolution. It was also a miracle that he sometimes managed to fool himself into believing said interest wasn’t there.

Benji tossed his leather jacket aside and rolled up the sleeves of his dark shirt before taking out his books and sitting on his usual spot on the bed. Ignoring the sight of Benji's toned forearms, Victor busied himself with picking an instrumental playlist. It turned out that mood was a vital part of studying—or so Felix had said when he'd mentioned having trouble concentrating. Victor was pretty sure that no amount of music would distract him from Benji, but it was worth a shot.

"So… how was your date?" Benji asked neutrally. 

"Good." He forced a smile, pausing to think how to properly articulate how he felt.

The truth was, it _had_ been good. They'd done the tried and tested dinner and a movie, had eaten too much and laughed too loudly, and Victor could honestly say that Mia was awesome.

The kissing, however—

It hadn't been _bad_. There had been butterflies and everything! But...it hadn't been great, either. They'd gone back to Mia's, her dad gone on yet another trip, and Victor had been nervous. He'd felt clumsy and inexperienced next to her, who'd seemed to radiate confidence as her hands had wandered with unmistakable purpose. He didn't know what he was supposed to do with _his_ hands, and the thought of a repeat performance—one where he might be expected to go all the way—scared him.

He told Benji as much, hoping he could shed some light on how to proceed.

"I'm sure it was fine, Victor," he reassured him, leaving aside the book he'd been about to open.

"But that's the thing," he protested. "It should be better than fine."

Benji smiled kindly at him. "Kissing just takes practice. You'll get the hang of it."

Would he? It didn't feel like it. "But what if I don't? What if she decides she can find better-than-fine somewhere else?" They weren't exclusive yet, so she technically could have been having better-than-fine as they spoke, but still.

He eyed him warily. "Do you really think she'd do that?"

He shrugged, looking down at his hands and playing with the hem of his t-shirt. "Mia is perfect. She could have literally anyone at school, Andrew included."

He rolled his eyes dramatically and pointed out, "Nobody's perfect. And Andrew is definitely not _that_ hot, Victor." He gave him a mock-serious look as he said, "Trust me. I'm an expert."

And just like that, Victor had an idea.

An idea that, had he stopped to think for longer than a second, would have been deemed stupid enough to never be revisited, let alone voiced. But, sitting across from Benji and his understanding eyes and soft smiles, he didn't stop to think. Not at all.

"You could teach me," he suggested.

A confused frown, arms crossing over his chest and pulling at the fabric of his shirt. "Teach you what?"

"How to kiss properly. How to act if we, you know, are headed for that base," he clarified. 

At the lost look Benji gave him, he pressed on, "I don't have experience, but you do." Quite a lot of it, from what he'd told him.

"Victor," he said slowly, "I'm a guy." He eyed him like he was about to drag him to the hospital for a check-up. 

"I know that." He swallowed, his own suggestion beginning to sink in. But it was all in the name of kissing a girl, so surely it made sense? Surely it didn't matter if he kissed Benji now, as long as the ultimate goal was making things work with a girl? There was some logic to it, wasn’t there?

A raised eyebrow. "You're not into guys." A loaded pause, almost long enough to shatter Victor's resolve, and then a very quiet, "Are you?" Benji’s searching look almost ended him, a thousand emotions rushing through his veins and seeking the light. 

God, what a terrible idea it had been. Trust Victor to dig his own grave in the most spectacularly careless way possible. 

Apparently unable to put the shovel down, he reasoned, "The mechanics are pretty much the same, right? What difference does it make?" 

When Benji licked his lips and opened his mouth to argue, Victor couldn't help but let his gaze wander. His lips were so full and soft-looking; he had no doubt that he was a great kisser. He could just tell.

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Benji said before biting his lower lip for a moment. He didn't sound apprehensive, just—cautious. Like he might spook Victor, even though it was him doing the asking.

"If it doesn't work, or you're uncomfortable, we'll stop at once. Promise." And he meant it, of course. “But I understand if you don’t want to. I—I won’t get mad or anything. You can say no, obviously.” He hoped that much was clear. 

Victor watched as Benji debated with himself, gaze fixed on the covers and fingers absently playing with his ring. At last, he looked up, nodding as he explained, "This will be a one-time thing. Only today. And you're not allowed to be weird about this later, okay? You're my friend." The vulnerable edge to his voice had him nodding immediately.

"Of course," he rushed to say. "I promise nothing will change. It’ll be like always. Just...us."

"Okay."

They both just sat there at first, the agreement floating in the air almost palpably. Benji was the first to move, clearing his throat and standing up to put all the books away. Victor joined him quickly, his hands shaking slightly as he grabbed his pens and highlighters and shoved them into his bag haphazardly. He could worry about it later.

Once the bed was ready, Benji glanced at the door and asked, "You're sure they're not coming back until nine?"

"Positive." He wouldn't risk it otherwise. It was already enough of a miracle that they allowed Benji to come over knowing he liked guys; there was no way he was letting himself be caught in a compromising position. He had too much to lose.

Benji sat down again, this time resting against the wall, and looked up at Victor. "Come here, then."

He sucked in a breath, sitting down and trying to control his heart so it wouldn't beat straight out of his chest. Had he been this nervous when he'd kissed Mia? He couldn't remember.

"Victor, relax." Benji moved forward and rested a soothing hand on his forearm. "It's just me."

A steadying breath, slowing his pulse and getting his hands to stop trembling. "Okay."

Benji drew closer, stopping when their noses were a breath away from touching. His hand came to rest on Victor's nape, thumb tracing an absent pattern against his skin as he murmured, "Can I kiss you?"

He swallowed, managing a breathy, "Yeah."

A smile, small and pleased, and Victor had to remind himself that Benji was only doing this because he'd asked him to. 

There was a light, tentative pressure against his lips, the hand on his nape gripping a little tighter. The points of contact suddenly made every part of his body hyperaware, those soft lips pressing more firmly against his as nails scratched lightly at his scalp. Without stopping to think, Victor closed his eyes and trailed his hands up Benji's arms until his fingers found smooth hair, quietly marveling at the softness. He'd pictured running his fingers through Benji's hair more times than he'd ever be willing to admit, and yet his imagination had fallen short; he hoped he'd be able to sear the feeling into his fingertips forever.

He opened his mouth, eager to deepen the kiss, and was rewarded with a brush of tongue that made every thought he'd ever had dissolve into thin air. The one thing that mattered was the way Benji felt against him, the way his teeth caught Victor's lower lip as his hand stayed firmly on his nape. Time was meaningless, everything a blur of hands and lips and tongue, and he finally understood with perfect clarity why people did this in the first place. He’d just discovered what kissing was meant to be.

Too soon, Benji broke away. Even as their hands let go, Victor couldn't help but chase after him, seeking that spark that had ignited him like nothing ever had. Once the world was alight, it was hard to be pulled back into the darkness.

Benji gave a breathless laugh as he dropped his hands on his lap. His lips looked even fuller than usual, shiny and kissable. "Victor, I honestly don't think you need practice."

The quiet compliment washed over him, warming him up further. Still, he countered. "I do. I—I think it's just a lot easier with you." _Crap_ , he hadn't meant to say that.

Benji's eyes widened before he could fully mask his reaction. "Oh," was the response, gaze darting to his lips and then quickly away. Victor noticed the blooming flush on his cheeks and wanted to kiss him there, feel the warmth radiating off him and see how far it went. He could have spent days on end registering every detail, cataloguing every response to his touch.

But it was time he didn't have and never would.

Better not dwell on that.

"We're friends," he hurried to explain, wincing at his own defensive tone. In a low voice, he added, "I trust you. I—You make me feel safe."

Benji flashed him an unusual smile; it didn't carry the bright air Victor was used to, but he couldn't identify what was different either. 

Before he could bring it up, Benji cleared his throat and asked, "So you want to keep going?"

Wetting his lips mechanically, he nodded. "Yeah."

A calculating, almost challenging glint to Benji's gaze. "Okay then. We've been on a couple of dates and we have the house to ourselves. What do you do?"

He opened his mouth to answer, but Benji shook his head and pressed a gentle finger against his lips as he whispered, "Don't tell me. _Show_ me."

Victor didn't know words could have such an effect on him; he felt dizzy, his heart once again doing a valiant effort to escape him. How to even begin to show him what he would do when he wasn't allowed to want in the first place?

When he stayed quiet for too long, Benji frowned and rested his right hand on Victor's knee. "Whatever you're worried about, don't. Just...let go."

"Let go," he echoed. If he let go, how would he ever get ahold of himself afterwards?

He squeezed his knee, shaking it a little. "It's just you and me. Whatever you want to do is fine. We're not doing anything we don't want to tonight, okay? Or _any_ night." He made sure Victor was looking at him as he said, "Consider that a lesson. If you don't feel comfortable doing something, say so. And nobody has the right to make you feel bad for it."

A deep breath, eyes squeezed shut before looking at him intently. "Sit with your back against the wall again?"

Benji nodded, shifting and getting into position.

"Can I—?" He blushed, shaking his head a little but forcing himself to ask, "Can I straddle you?"

It was Benji's turn to blush as he whispered in the affirmative and looked at Victor with what could only be described as wonder. Victor hesitated only for a moment before bringing both hands to rest against the wall, searching for leverage so his nerves wouldn't make him fall.

Lowering himself with more confidence than he felt, Victor put his hands on Benji's shoulders. He had to hold back a contented sigh when Benji automatically held onto his waist, the weight grounding and warm. The feeling of thighs on thighs had his blood rushing with almost alarming speed, and he bit his lip to keep himself from blurting out something embarrassing.

"You're doing great, Victor." He smiled up at him, patient and kind and everything one could hope for. Benji claimed nobody was perfect, and that might have been true, but… It didn't stop Victor's heart from acting like he was in the presence of perfection.

He returned the smile, encouraged, and leaned forward once more. He started off slowly, a small kiss to the corner of his mouth, letting their lips graze before kissing him fully. The hands on his hips sneaked under the hem of his shirt, the touch hot with the barest hint of cool metal from Benji's ring. He gasped, nosing along his jaw and leaving an open-mouthed kiss on his neck over the collar. He drew back a little, a frustrated huff escaping his lips.

Benji laughed, light and amused. "What is it?"

"Your shirt is kind of in the way," he pointed out.

He hummed, raising an eyebrow to ask, "Is that your way of asking me to take it off?"

"I—" 

"Here." Benji grabbed one of Victor's hands and brought it to his collar. "Help me?"

As he undid every button under Benji's watchful gaze, he wondered if he'd somehow hit his head really hard and passed out. It felt like the only plausible explanation. Reality seemed all too reminiscent of dreams he swore not to dwell on, swore didn't mean anything, swore he would stop having—

He dropped the shirt on the floor, turning to look at Benji in his tight white tank top and quickly going back to kissing his neck. He wasn't exactly sure of what he was doing, but he managed to elicit a wonderful sound he was unlikely to ever forget. Drunk on happiness, he breathed against his skin and murmured, "You're beautiful." He switched to the other side of his neck, trailing open-mouthed kisses and repeating, "So beautiful."

Benji guided their bodies closer together, and Victor let out a helpless gasp as he was met with a solid line of heat pressing against his groin. Far from backing away, he mirrored the movement, seeking that feeling that had his insides on fire.

He bit gently at Benji's lip, pulling and going for another heated kiss, hands cradling his face like Benji was something precious—because he was. He drew back enough to look at his closed eyes and kiss-swollen lips, thumb ghosting over his lower lip and making Benji look at him. God, he truly was beautiful. The brightness in his eyes, the flush on his cheeks, it was—Victor would never recover from the sight. 

"Do you want to stop?" Benji rasped out, his breath a caress on Victor's skin.

"No," he murmured. "Do you?"

"No."

And so Victor kissed him again. Kissed him like it was the only chance he'd ever get to learn the shape of those lips and the feeling of those muscles under him. He reached for everything he'd buried deep inside of him, kept under lock and key, and unleashed it for one night.

He hoped it would be enough.

*

Whatever relationship he'd hoped to have with Mia, it was over. Three days after kissing Benji, Victor had to accept the harsh and undeniable truth. He refused to put it into words yet, but that didn't make it any less real in his mind. In his heart. He couldn't be with Mia because he wasn't into her like that. She was pretty and funny and an awesome person; she just wasn't meant for him.

No girl was, or ever would be, meant for him.

He'd tell her they were better off as friends and hope she wouldn't press the issue too much. Even if she got angry at him, he'd take it over keeping up a lie that would only hurt them both in the long run.

Benji, however, was a problem he didn't know how to solve. He hated himself for even thinking of his friend as an issue to be dealt with, but he'd become one the moment their lips had met. Victor hadn't been able to think about anything else, mind replaying every second over and over. When his parents had noticed how absent-minded he was, he’d been able to attribute it to an oncoming game, but that excuse wouldn't work forever.

He hated it. Hated how happy he'd felt kissing him, hated how much he wanted to do it again. Before, he'd thought he needed to know who he was in order to move forward. But now—

He almost wished he'd never found out.

*

It was Saturday noon and Victor was alone in his house again. His family had gone on yet another outing, this time to a neighboring town, and the worried looks they'd thrown his way spoke volumes about his own state of mind. He was usually so good at keeping everything bottled up, not letting his feelings seep into the family mix, but at the moment he felt a breath away from cracking.

He'd talked to Mia, who'd said she understood even though it was clear that she didn't. When he'd suggested being friends, she'd smiled and nodded in that way that meant that she was too polite to tell him how she really felt. He was counting it as a win.

And Benji—Victor had avoided him all week. At school, he'd made sure to stay away from all the spots where he could usually be found. At work, he'd kept himself as busy and active as possible, working with a level of efficiency that left little time to talk. He hadn't ignored his texts, but he hadn't exactly engaged in conversation either. 

He just needed some time. Once he gathered his thoughts and managed to put a leash on his feeling, he would be back to normal and Benji would once again be his friend who just happened to be gay. Nothing more, nothing less. Nothing else.

He was taken out of his thoughts by an insistent knock on the door. Felix? It was odd that he hadn't reached out with the walkie talkie first, but he'd learned to roll with whatever Felix threw his way. That was just how they worked.

He hurried to the door, opening it just as a second series of knocks began. He blinked in surprise, not Felix but Benji standing before him.

"Hi?" He greeted, a little puzzled and a lot wary. Benji wasn't one to drop by unannounced.

"Are you alone?" He had his arms crossed over his chest, a light frown on his face that Victor immediately wanted to smooth away.

"Yeah," he said as he moved aside to let him in.

"Good." He uncrossed his arms and said, "We need to talk."

"Talk?" He asked, his voice too loud to his own ears. "About what?"

Benji gave him a hurt look that made Victor regret every single one of his actions for the past week. He watched Benji take a step closer to him and inadvertently stepped back.

"You told me nothing would change." He shook his head, looking at the floor as he let out an accusing, "You _promised_." He wasn't even trying to hide how upset he was; Victor had seriously screwed up.

"I know I've been kind of weird this week, but—"

"Weird?" He cut him off. "You've been avoiding me like I have the plague, Victor. You think I can't tell?"

He winced, unable to conjure up any real sort of defense. "I'm sorry."

"You're sorry," he echoed. He approached again, but this time Victor stayed rooted to the spot. "So you've been cool with me being gay all this time because, what? It was some sort of abstract concept to you? As long as I didn't do anything gay in front of you it could just be ignored?"

Oh no. He thought Victor had a problem with _him?_ With him being— "Benji, no." He raised his hands placatingly. "I swear that's not it. Of course I'm fine with you being—you being—"

Unamused laughter, his right hand rubbing at his left bicep in a self-soothing gesture that almost had Victor reaching out. "Gay, Victor. You can't even say the word, and you want me to think you're cool with it?" He looked away, then walked over to the couch and sat down.

They stayed in silence for a moment, Benji staring at his shoes and fidgeting with his ring while Victor tried to think of a way to get out of the mess he'd made.

"I thought you were different," Benji whispered, still not looking up. "But I guess that's on me. I should have never agreed to your stupid idea. I knew it was a mistake."

Benji had every right to be mad, but the statement still stung. A little defensively, he asked, "Then why did you do it? If you knew it was such a terrible idea, why didn't you shut me down? I told you I wouldn’t be mad if you said no."

He looked at him like the answer was obvious. "Victor," he said meaningfully.

Right. Because they were friends. That was it, wasn't it? Victor had needed help and Benji, being the kind and supportive person that he was, had acquiesced. 

"I'm sorry," he said again, coming to sit next to him. If he wanted to fix things, he was going to have to offer some truth in return. "I'm being weird because I'm—" Heart in his throat. A hard swallow. "I broke things off with Mia." It was a start.

He blinked, thrown off. "What? Why?"

"Because—" Elbows on his knees, he turned away and covered his face with his hands. If he was going to bare his soul, he'd do so shielding himself in another way. "Because I can't stop thinking about you. Haven't stopped thinking about you for a single second since you left my house last week. Kissing you. Touching you. I—I have never felt this way about anyone, Benji."

Stunned silence, the air heavy with everything Victor could no longer contain. Would no longer contain.

"And it's not new, either." He dropped his hands but didn't dare look at him yet. "I thought I might be into guys for a while, but I wanted to at least try with Mia." He let out a self-deprecating laugh and said, "I'll admit that kissing the guy I've been denying to be in love with for ages kind of destroyed whatever lie I was trying to hold onto. Not my brightest moment."

When he finally chanced a look at Benji, he was welcomed by the softest smile he'd ever seen him wear. 

"We need to have a longer conversation about this, and we will, but—" Benji cut himself off as he brought his left hand to cradle Victor's cheek. "Kiss me?"

Victor took a relieved breath, incredulous laughter bubbling as he asked, "Really?"

In lieu of an answer, Benji leaned forward and kissed him on the cheek. "I've been in love with you for over a year, Victor. I thought you knew and we had developed some sort of unspoken agreement to never discuss it."

"Oh." 

_Oh._

For the first time in a very long time, he felt settled. Something had clicked into place, the puzzle pieces he'd been forcing to fit in the past now morphing and rearranging themselves to finally make sense. 

And he didn't hate it.

He didn't hate it at all.


End file.
